


Everything Is Different the Second Time Around

by Hlaoroo



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Fem!arthur, Reincarnation, fem!merlin, nonbinary!Arthur
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-18 10:30:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3566408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hlaoroo/pseuds/Hlaoroo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Avani Kata stays up too late reading about Arthurian legend, she wakes the next morning with a nagging presence in her head and unexplainable powers she has little control over. Reincarnation fic, fem!Merlin and fem!Arthur.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Avani Kata packed up her books and gazed around at the rows of book shelves. She’d been studying for several hours, and was definitely ready for a break. Night classes for business school were important to her, but not always the most engaging. She stood and stretched, pulling out the hair tie that had been keeping her long black hair out of her face while she leaned over her notebooks. She pulled her bag on over one shoulder and began wandering aimlessly and slowly through the shelves. She never was any good at picking out books without a recommendation. Still, she gazed at covers, plucking out the occasional promising title. She rounded a corner in the young adult section, and found herself faced with a display of Arthurian literature.  There were kid’s books, and there were intimidating looking novels that she was sure would be an immense pain to read, no matter how interesting they were. Ignoring both, she picked up a heavy, old looking book, which purported to be an anthology of all the most important stories. She opened the book to a random page and started reading. Immediately, she became immersed in the world before her eyes.

She had never paid much attention to the story before, it had just never crossed her path in any significant way. She wasn’t really a fantasy girl, never had been, so the fantastical and ridiculous stories about King Arthur and his trusted advisor Merlin that she absorbed purely through cultural osmosis never drew her attention. The book she now held in her hands, though, drew her in. Maybe she was drawn into the adventure of it all. Her life had been growing a bit dull lately, a bit routine. Catering work during the day, business classes at night, dinner and a movie with her best friend, Sam on the weekends. She knew she was working towards admirable goals, towards things she wanted even, but she still seemed to be stagnating on some level.

King Arthur… and Merlin. Merlin the wise and powerful. She wished she could be wise and powerful one day. The grand figure of Merlin somehow intimidated her, yet inspired her at the same time. She flipped through the tales in the book, reading bits and pieces here and there, reading full pages when they interested her. She read about witches and evil knights, about griffins and unicorns. She read about sir Gawain, Sir Lancelot, Sir Percival, and about the lady Guinevere. And yet, as she flipped through the book, she felt a growing sense of impatience. This was wrong. She couldn’t quite place it, but this was just _wrong_. These people weren’t real. These deeds never happened. Not like this, that’s not how they were.

She shook herself mentally. Of course they never happened, she reminded herself. They’re just silly legends that have had a million bad movies made out of them. Still, the book instilled a frustration and impatience that she couldn’t quite shake. She turned to the introductory pages to read about the words of the editor. “King Arthur, the grand figure, of course never existed,” Avani read, and a scowl wrinkled the dark skin between her eyebrows. “He is believed to be an amalgam of many historical figures, all their deeds being morphed-” A light tap on her shoulder made her jerk her head away from the book. 

She looked up and met the eyes of the old man standing next to her. “We’re closing in just a couple of minutes, miss, you’ll want to bring your- Oh.” His eyebrows went up, practically to the top of his white-haired head. “Is something wrong?”

Avani realized she was still scowling fiercely. She did her best to relax her expression. “Oh, no, sorry. It’s just this book, I…” she trailed off. “Is it really closing time?” She furrowed her brows, but looking out the window, dark had already fallen, a breeze sweeping piles of crinkling leaves along the poorly lit street in mounds of shadow. She realized she had been standing in one spot, reading this book, for well over an hour.

The man quirked an eyebrow and smiled, “Yes, it’s almost six now. Shall I check that out for you?” He indicated the book with a nod of his head.

“Yeah, I mean, no. It’s not right, it’s…” The man leaned over to see the title of the book as Avani turned it over in her hands in confusion.

He saw the cover and nodded. “Ah, yes that book is rather fanciful. If you’re looking for a more serious or researched account…” he trailed off as he turned to scan the Arthurian display.

“But,” said Avani uncertainly, “isn’t fanciful all that it is? I mean, King Arthur, Merlin, magic, a sword in a stone, it’s all so ridiculous. Isn’t it just fables and fairy tales?”

 The man turned and offered her a book. “Some might say so. Others treat the legends as somewhat more important or real. The author of this collection, for instance, Gwen Montez, really did her research, but adds her own flare that I personally think makes the stories seem more genuine.”

 Avani took the book from him and turned it over in her hands. It was a relatively new book, a simple design with the sword and stone on the cover.

 “Of course,” the man continued, “we may never know the truth about stories so old. Follow me, I’ll check it out for you.”

 Vani trailed the man to the counter. “Thank you, mister…” she caught a peek at his name badge. “Mister Gaius.”

 “No problem. Enjoy,” Avani returned his smile as she headed for the exit, tucking the book into her bag.

 She stepped outside into the crisp air and pulled a fuzzy, misshapen purple hat that her sister had knit for her down over her hair. She shivered. The wind had picked up. She pulled out her ipod as she walked towards home. When she reached her house, she realized she had never actually turned on any music.

 

* * *

 

She sat through dinner with her family in a daze, thinking about the stories she had read. Her parents chatted happily about their days and her sister, Carina, enthused about her latest school art project.

“Avani,” her mother said, as if repeating herself. “Avani, are you well?”

“Hmm?” Avani shook herself out of her reverie. “Oh, yes. I’m sorry. I’m just wiped out from studying all afternoon, I guess.”

Her mother smiled, and her voice was warm. “That’s a fine reason to be tired, if you must be tired.”

Her father frowned slightly. He had a kind face, full of laugh lines and wrinkles from a lifetime of smiling. “You should take an early night. You don’t look well.”

Avani nodded and thanked her father. “I’ll do that,” she said, and rose from her seat. She laid a hand on his shoulder affectionately as she picked up her plate to take it to the kitchen, leaning over to kiss Carina on the forehead as she went. Carina grimaced dramatically and wiped her forehead with her napkin. Avani laughed and rolled her eyes.

 Once alone in her room, she immediately sat on the bed with the book the librarian had recommended and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She started at page one, and let herself fall into the stories, slipping into the words as they slipped into her. The stories filled her mind and the characters grew before her, each grand in their own way. She hadn’t fallen asleep reading in years, but several hours later she lay, asleep, the light from her bedside lamp playing across her brown skin and the book laying open on her chest, one page slightly bent where the book had fallen carelessly.

 

* * *

Vani sat shivering on the shore. She could feel the wet ground beneath her legs, and a tight ball of sorrow in her chest. She opened her eyes and looked down. Her hands were pale, resting on brown trousers. She looked ahead, and saw the boat floating slowly across the silent lake, leaving faint ripples as it approached the small island with its lone tower. There were words echoing in her head, over and over. _Merlin, Thank you._ She let out a sob. “Arthur,” she whispered, in a voice unfamiliar and masculine, but incredibly hers. She sat leadenly on the beach, and felt trapped. He was gone. He was dead. And now, they would never… Why did he never say… And now it would never be. Perhaps it never could be. 

The dream shifted, as dreams do, with no mark or transition, and she found herself wandering in the mist. But this time she was different. Her body was broader, and older, a different person, yet the same person still, she knew. She wandered through the mist in search of something, or perhaps someone, important. She wandered, and ages seemed to pass. She changed, shifted, from body to body as she walked. Sometimes old, sometimes young. Sometimes fair of skin and sometimes dark, some times male, sometimes female, sometimes in between, but always the same person.

_Merlin!_

The shout comes out of the mist, almost exasperated, and her dream self turned, only to see the illusion of a man, blonde and striking, appear and fade again amongst the mist.

“Arthur!” she calls, “Arthur! I can’t find you! I can never find you, I keep trying. Arthur!” She continues to shout the name, and someone is calling her name back. There is a moment of confusion, and the name changes. No one is calling for Merlin, anymore, but for Avani.

“Avani! Vani! Wake up!” She rose out of the dream groggily and looked up to see her younger sister above her, shaking her awake. She sat up and looked around her. It was morning. She had fallen asleep reading, still in her clothes, on top of the bed.

Her sister crossed her arms and looked down at her. “Who the hell is Arthur?”

“What?” Avani’s tone was harsh, confused. She still felt displaced. She was trapped in the dream, she was still all those people across time, or that one person.

“Arthur. You were sleeping on a book, like an idiot, and muttering the name Arthur over and over. You got a new boyfriend?” Her eyes went wide. “Oh my god. I do _not_ want to know what you were dreaming about.”

Vani shook her head. “No, Carina, I do not have a boyfriend.” She didn’t share with her sister just how complicated that was. She reflected that being a closeted pansexual extremely confusing. She didn’t even get to say, no, I’ll never have a boyfriend, she just felt like she was leaving something out all the time. She was still working up to that conversation. “What time is it?” she yawned, standing up and giving Carina’s dark hair a ruffle.

“It’s eight. Mama’s makin waffles. She told me to come wake you up.”

“Thanks, kid.” Avani stumbled into the bathroom to wash her face. She splashed the cold water on her face and stared at herself in the mirror. _You look like hell. You shouldn’t read so late._ Avani squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head harder. She was still thinking in the voice of the man on the beach. She did look like hell, dark circles under her eyes. She hadn’t gotten that sucked into a book since, well, ever really. Not like that. She reached to the side and felt a towel press into her hand.

“Oh, thanks Carina.” She dried off her face, but when she looked around, Carina was nowhere to be seen. Looked like she’d already headed downstairs. But then how did the towel…? She scowled and headed down to the kitchen. Must be going nuts. Wouldn’t surprise her, at this point.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy oh boy did I mean to post this sooner. Thanks to everyone who has left kudos or comments, I haven't responded because life has been INSANE. I'm finishing up my last semester of college, and life decided to start beating me up just as I meant to get this done. Then when I did write it, life started beating on my beta reader next.
> 
> Well, it's written now anyway! Enjoy.

After breakfast, Avani helped with dishes and puttered around the house helping with various chores. She had no work that day except a gig at Penn industries that evening. After lunch, she headed back up to her room to do a bit more reading. She eyed the book of Arthurian legend, still lying on her bed. Anything that gave her dreams that weird, she decided, should not be continued. She moved the book to her desk, setting it down gingerly before settling on her bed with a dense reading and a highlighter. Two paragraphs in, she realized she really ought to be taking notes. She looked at the blanket laid across her crossed legs, then at her book bag by the far wall, and sighed heavily. It was at times like these that she really wished that telekinesis existed.

No sooner had she thought the words than her bag flipped open and her notebook came sailing across the room at her. She ducked in panic and the notebook smacked the wall behind her and landed on the bed. Her eyes grew to the size of ping pong balls as she straightened up and turned to stare at the book, twisting her spine awkwardly. Just as she was wondering what in the blazes was going on, she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. She panicked. She didn’t know what had just happened, but she did not want to talk to her sister just then. She made to get up from the bed, but as she did the door slammed shut. She thumped back onto the bed. Her jaw dropped and her breathing accelerated. This wasn’t happening.

Carina’s voice came from the hall, “Rude!” but Avani hardly heard her.

Obviously this wasn’t happening, because magic didn’t exist. Experimentally, she reached out her hand towards her cell phone, on the far end of the bed. It shot straight into her awaiting fingers. This must be what had happened with the towel that morning. She stared at the phone with wide eyes. She slid her finger across the screen and entered her password. She considered calling Sam, and her thumb hovered over the phone icon. She was freaking out, and Sam had been there for her in the face of freak outs before. If Avani called Sam, they would know what to say. Even if things were going batshit, Avani was confident that Sam would know what to do. They always had a cool head in the face of a crisis. She really admired that about them, among other things.

But this was different. Avani closed the phone and placed it tentatively on the duvet in front of her. What if this was too strange, too much? The thought made panic thrill through Avani’s body, and as it did, her desk chair slid across the floor. This only increased Avani’s panic and confusion. She could feel herself working into a real panic, and the higher it built, the more things around the room started moving of their own accord. Her pillows started hovering and trembling, a few books flew off her shelf, her closet opened and closed, and perhaps in a reflection of her compulsive nature, a stack of clean laundry began to fold itself haphazardly. She closed her eyes and took four deep breaths.

“When I open my eyes,” she whispered to herself, “none of this will be happening.” She opened her eyes one at a time, and the room had stilled, but things had unmistakably moved about. She checked the clock and cursed. Not only was it later than she thought, the clock was floating. She glared at it, hovering above her desk, and pushed it back down with her hand. She had to go start prepping for the evening, she was meant to be head caterer for a fancy event for Penn industries at six that night, providing hors d'oeuvres for a set of rich and important people.

Glaring at the clock, she removed her hand, and it stayed put. This was going to be a difficult evening. If she couldn’t get this under control, who knows what would happen. This job was really important to her. It was the first time she’d managed to keep a job long enough to advance above entry level, and she needed to keep it. But more than the risk of something messing up her chances at her job, she didn’t want to scare off Sam.

Samantha “Sam” Penn was the daughter of Penn industries’ CEO, and was probably the closest thing Avani had to a friend right now. Avani had bumped into Sam hiding in a back room her first night catering for Penn industries. Sam had been back there catching a breath between socializing. They commiserated, and really hit it off.

For a year they’d been meeting up at least a couple times a month, often quite a bit more. They did all sorts of things, from trips to carnivals to streamed movie night, though never horror. They insisted on bringing Avani to expensive locales and paying for it all on occasion, no matter how much Avani protested.

Eventually, they’d reached a point of great intimacy. Of course, not _that_ kind of intimate. No, of course not. The idea made Avani blush as she dressed in her catering uniform. That was ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.

Still, they had shared a lot over the years, divulging fears and dreams. Sam had taken Avani’s whole family out to a celebratory dinner when Avani got promoted, and Avani had stood by Sam’s side when they made the controversial choice to begin insisting on gender neutral pronouns.

Sam always seemed to know what to say. Avani knew that if she asked Sam for help now, they would listen and be there, but she was still freaking out. This was not normal, and she was worried how Sam would react to whatever the hell was going on. Avani stubbornly refused to think the word “magic” again. Tonight was a big night for Penn Industries, and if _whatever_ ruined the evening for Sam, Avani couldn’t forgive herself.

Avani sighed and headed out the door. She’d just have to keep it under control for as long as she could. She obstinately thought normal thoughts, trying to push away any feeling of magic or whimsy.

\--

On the bus, she caught her disheveled expression in her reflection in the window and cringed, wishing she’d had time to brush her hair. Promptly, her hair blew about as if in a small whirlwind and settled into a smooth and well-kept version of her usual style. Her eyes went huge and she cursed under her breath and looked around. At first she thought no one had seen, but then she caught the eye of a little girl, whose father was lost in a book. The girl stared at her wide eyed, mouth hanging open. Avani gave her a queasy smile, and moved to the front of the bus. Whatever the hell was going on, she had to get a grip on it.

Everything went smoothly packing up the catering van, thank goodness, and before too long Avani had a couple lower level employees laying place settings in a Penn industries conference room while she was left alone in the kitchen, finishing up the hors d'oeuvres.

* * *

Avani stared down at the row of tiny chicken sandwiches half assembled on the counter in front of her and took a deep breath. She felt someone nearby, and turned to see if one of her workers needed something, but there was no one there. She turned back to the sandwiches and started assembling. She just had to stay calm, and keep whatever was happening in check for a few more hours.  _So long as she didn’t send sandwiches flying at the stakeholders or, float the chairs or-_

“Oh no,” said a voice in her head, speaking in cadences she recognized from her dream. “Don’t imagine possibilities, staying calm was the right idea, don’t-“

Her thoughts continued despite herself. _Or turn the chicken back into a live chicken, then…_

“Now you’ve done it,” said the voice in her head, with a sigh.

Avani jumped as the stack of tender chicken she’d been separating onto the sandwiches disappeared, replaced by a warm, indignant, feathery bird.

Avani stared down at the bird and it glared up at her. It squawked, and she started breathing quickly. _Shit shit shit._ She held the chicken in both hands and turned around, looking about the room uselessly for some idea of what to do. Just then she heard a familiar voice, and the kitchen door swung open. Panicking, she shoved the chicken into a cabinet by her feet and leaned hard against it.

Sam popped into the kitchen, a cheerful smile lighting up their face. “Vani! So nice to see you!” Avani gave a weak smile in return.

She managed a brief “Hi,” and then, to her horror, realized that the dipping sauce on the table between her and Sam was _stirring itself._ She quickly grabbed the handle, but it didn’t stop. She moved her hand with it, giving the appearance that she was actually the one stirring. Which she supposed technically she was. Thankfully, Sam didn’t seem to have noticed.

Sam walked up and leaned sideways on the counter. They were tall, with a neatly short dirty blonde cut, and their body was thick in that way that way of sneakily strong women. “I’m glad to see they’re finally recognizing your talents,” they said, “putting you in charge of events and all.” They reached out and stuck their finger in the sauce.

“Thanks,” Avani said, slapping their hand away. “You too. You’re the main facilitator this time, aren’t you?”

The cabinet behind her thumped and pressed against her leg, and she leaned her leg against it harder, balancing awkwardly between cabinet and table.

“Yup!” Sam licked the sauce off their finger and puffed themself up in an overly dramatic gesture which nonetheless failed to conceal their slight nervousness from Avani. “I am totally in charge. Well, ok, my dad, the oh so mighty Mr. Penn, will be here, of course, but I’m the highest person who isn’t him. It’s actually kind of scary, I can’t fuck this up. He’ll be here, and if anything goes wrong it’s on me.” Avani could see a shadow hanging over Sam, but they looked at her and brightened. “But I know everything will be fine,” they said, “with you in charge. You haven’t let me down yet. Besides, I wore my lucky underwear.”

Sam grinned, but Avani gulped. The spoon was stilling stirring itself. And she hadn’t even started the beef yet.

No sooner had she thought this then the electric mixer turned on. She reached over and slapped it off again. She could feel her heart racing.

Sam raised their eyebrows. “Everything alright?”

“Yup!” The mixer came on again and she slapped it off again, still keeping one hand on the self-stirring spoon and her foot against the cabinet, which was being gently but insistently pushed on. “It’s um, been doing that all week. Faulty wiring, I guess. Heh.” She tried to give Sam a reassuring smile, but it probably looked more queasy than anything. The cabinet made a pecking noise.

“Alright, if you say so. It’s not going to cause a problem is it?”

“No! No no.”

Sam looked at her sideways. “Riiiight,” they drew out the word nice and long. They looked Avani up and down appraisingly. “You look tense.”

The mixer turned on again. Avani slapped it off again. “Hmm? Nope, not tense, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re definitely tense.” Avani opened her mouth to protest, but just then Sam’s phone rang loudly, and they put it to their ear, holding up a finger. “Samantha Penn. Yes. No. One moment.” They gave Avani an apologetic glance and slipped back out the door.

Avani took a breath and, unsure exactly what she intended to do, turned to open the cabinet. Unfortunately, the second she turned she was no longer applying pressure to the door. It flew open and rebounded with a clang as the chicken burst out in a blur of feathers. Avani and the chicken both squawked as she fell backwards onto her butt and the chicken leapt across the room, flapping dramatically.

Avani swore fiercely as her head hit the counter behind her. She scrambled to her feet and looked around frantically. The chicken had landed on the far side of the room, and was pecking at something on the ground. _I just need to catch it,_ she thought, and began creeping slowly towards the bird. She crouched low, her black apron gently brushing the ground and her arms outstretched in front of her, ready to grab. _It’s just a chicken,_ she thought, _just a chicken, no need to panic, it’s not like I turned…_ When she was five feet from the chicken, she misstepped and sent a cabinet door thumping. She froze in horror as the chicken turned one eye on her. It looked crazed, it’s pupil beady and black inside a wide, orange disk. It gave a small muffled _cluck_ , and twitched its wings. Avani took a hesitant step forward, and the bird launched into the air, leaping to the countertop in a blur of white and red.

“Shit! No no no!” Avani lunged forward, but her hands closed on thin air and, unbalanced, she stared as the chicken flapped it’s awkward way along the counter, knocking aside condiments and bread before leaping over- _The beef._ Avani’s eyes went wide with sheer panic and before she could formulate a coherent thought, there was a cow in the kitchen.

Avani stood up straight and squeezed her eyes shut, her hand held ramrod stiff by her sides. _This is not happening,_ she thought.

“It is, actually,” said that voice, and she thought she could hear a smile in it.

_This,_ she repeated, _is not happening, and when I open my eyes, there will be cold cut chicken and unseared beef on the counter._ She took two deep breaths, and then two more. She took one step forward, and opened her eyes.

The cow was still there, standing by the fridge, wearing what she thought was a slightly bemused expression. The chicken, however, was slipping into the hallway like a thief in the night. A fluffy, feathered thief.

“SHIT!” Avani’s curse made the cow start and shift its hooves anxiously on the tile floor.

Avani dashed to the door and flung it open, dashing into the hallway. Sam was halfway down the hall, their back to Avani as they leaned on the wall, phone tucked between ear and shoulder, scribbling intently in a notebook. The chicken bobbed right past them and around the corner, into what Avani knew was a copy room. She dashed down the hall and skidded on the floor as she turned toward the copy room.

“Vani?” Sam’s voice made Avani turn, and she saw her friend looking at her with concern as they tucked their phone back into their pocket. “What’s going on?”

Avani glanced anxiously at the doorway and straightened up, tucking a wisp of hair back into her hairnet. “Hmm?” she said, “Nothing.”

“Convincing,” said the voice in her head.

“I was right. You look tense,” Sam stepped forward and lay their hand on Avani’s shoulder. Their brow crinkled, but then smoothed when a smile broke out across their face. “We should have a movie night tomorrow,” they said, with the sort of unwavering certainty, affection, and utter obliviousness that characterized them so perfectly. Avani was left breathless for a moment, as Sam’s smile seeped into her bones like a warm mug of tea on a cold day.

She started to smile, but the expression grew empty as the vision of Sam seeing her accidentally float the tv remote to herself flashed across her eyes. They would freak, they would think _she_ was a freak. Assuming their friendship didn’t dissolve tonight, Sam’s big night ruined by self-stirring sauce and magical chickens. She heard an ominous thump from the other room and she glanced over her shoulder nervously.

“I don’t know,” she said, “I’m not so sure, I mean, my place is a total mess…”

“So we’ll go to mine this time!”

Vani made vague protesting noises about bus fare, but trailed off as a horrifying sight unfolded in front of her. The swinging kitchen door was slowly opening, and as she watched, a black snout pushed its way into the hall, followed shortly by perky black ears.

Sam took advantage of her sudden silence to continue. “No worries!” they said. “I’ll have a driver come get you.”

“No, you really don’t have to do that, I-“

The cow looked up and down the hall, then pushed its way fully beyond the door, its massive frame lumbering down the hall away from Sam and Avani. Avani’s gut turned to ice as she watched it go.

“Tomorrow. I’ll have Jack pick you up at six. We’ll order pizza. It’ll be fun.” Avani tried to object again, but at that moment Sam’s phone rang just as a skittering and a clanging came from the copy room, making Avani’s breath quicken. Sam slid the phone from their pocket and answered with a curt “Samantha Penn. Yes. No. Not until seven. Mhmm,” they looked over at Avani and smiled. “Tomorrow,” they mouthed, giving a big grin and a thumbs-up. For a brief, terrifying moment Avani thought they were going to turn around, but instead they slipped past her and headed further down the hall into a nearby office to finish the call.

Avani smiled in return. Sam’s smiles were infectious. Then she was left alone, feeling pleasure at the notion of a movie night with Sam warring with a million other emotions inside her. She heard a furious flapping from the copy room and turned the corner, dreading what she might see.

To her profound relief, she saw that the chicken had managed to get itself stuck. It had knocked over an empty plastic tub, and was trapped between the tub, the wall, and the copy machine. Avani approached warily and grabbed the tub’s lid. She slid it behind the chicken slowly. It flapped and squawked at her, but retreated into the tub, just as she had hoped. Quickly and carefully, she pulled the tub from behind the copier, slamming the lid close as she did. She caught the corner of the bird’s wing, and it flailed angrily inside the tub, it’s claws scratching at the plastic before she could poke the wing tip in and secure the tub’s clamps.

Avani clutched the tub full of indignant chicken and bustled down the hallway in the direction of the cow, extremely glad that her assistants weren’t meant to show up for another half an hour. The cow was not in the hallway, and her mind wandered erratically as she popped her head into office after office.

_A movie night would be fun,_ she thought, _but just, ugh!_ Sam was always doing that, blundering in and being all noble and good and oblivious. And not only were they too good at reading Avani, knowing they would spend time together soon would help Sam make it through this evening. She had to give them that.

She would just have to contain the magical mishaps somehow. “I can manage that,” she said quietly to herself. “Totally.”

She heard someone snicker at that, and she glared at the hall behind her before spinning into another office.

Just inside the door, she slammed into the cow, nearly losing her grip on the chicken tub. The cow mooed at her indignantly as she regained her balance.

Avani set the tub on a nearby desk. The room was pristine, with windows gleaming and filing cabinets in neat rows. She poked her head out the door to check on the hall. Still empty. She closed the door and took stock of the scene before her.

“One cow, one chicken. All accounted for. This is so not normal.” The trouble was, now that she had them, what should she do next? She circled the cow slowly. It was now munching on a potted plant. What could she do? Avani’s mind was still screaming at her that there was no such thing as magic, that this whole day made no sense, and yet here they were. One ruffled chicken and one lumbering cow where deli chicken and uncooked steaks had been several minutes before. She’d have to try something. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders.

“Abracadabra,” she said, gesturing vaguely at the cow with both her hands. Nothing happened.

Avani frowned and gestured more dramatically. “Abracadabra!”

This time she distinctly heard a low male laugh, and she spun around, searching for the source of the noise. There was no one in sight. Avani felt her face flush as her temper rose.

“Look, whoever you are, you are being incredibly unhelpful!” She nearly shouted the words, and the laughing stopped. It was quiet for a full minute before she spoke again, softer this time.

“Please, I don’t know what’s going on, but if you can help me at all…” she trailed off and sighed, sinking into a rigid, leather wrapped chair.

“That’s it,” she muttered. “I’ve officially gone insane. I’m hallucinating, and I’m asking my hallucination for help.” Just as she put her face in her hands, she heard the voice again.

She jolted upright. The voice was distant, and she could barely make out it’s words. Was it, apologizing? The voice seemed to come from inside her head, and yet from very far away at the same time. She could only barely hear the words, but somehow she could sense the emotion and intent behind them.

“Focus,” it seemed to say. An instruction. She could work with that. She had always been a quick learner, it was right there on her resume.

“Ok,” she said, “focus on what?”

“Picture … desire … intent will … transform.”

Avani frowned, concentrating. “Just, picture what I want to happen, and it’ll happen?”

Rather than words, Avani felt the presence’s assent.

“Just, focus. Alright. Sure. Why the hell not.” She opened the tub and removed the chicken. It scrambled wildly, but she managed to grab hold of it. She held it up to her face. She stared into its beady eyes, and then closed her own. Ignoring the warmth of the bird on her hands, she pictured the chicken as it had been before she did- whatever she did. Focusing intently on the image, she took several deep breaths, trying to will the chicken back out of existence. After three deep breaths, her hands went cold, and there was no more struggling. She opened her eyes slowly, dreading what she might find.

To her relief, she found she was no longer holding a live chicken, but the paper packet of meat she had been working with. She looked at it very strangely, feeling morally very strange, and set it aside.

After the chicken, the cow came easily as well. She soon found herself holding a package of steak, as she should be. She felt a sense of pride emanate briefly from the presence in her mind. She gathered up the meat and headed back to the kitchen in a daze.

She knew she hadn’t really killed the animals, since they hadn’t been properly real to begin with, but she still felt incredibly strange. Had she really done that? Created life? Or some illusion of it? And then taken it away. What was this power she seemed to have? Where had it come from, and why did she have it? Her mind swirled with these questions and hundreds of others through the rest of the night, which, thankfully, was devoid of any more magical catastrophes. Well, she did float a couple things by accident, but other than that, no catastrophes. She left most of the hands on work to her workers once they showed up and stuck to delegating.

When Sam gave her a big hug at the end of the night, she let her friend wrap their arms around her. Amidst the insanity of recent events, Avani let herself revel in the normalness in a hug from a friend at the end of the day.

 


	3. Chapter 3

A driver showed up to Avani’s house at six the next night, just like Sam had promised. He rang the doorbell and her little sister answered. “VANI!” Carina called up the stairs. “Your boyfriend’s butler is here!” Avani’s tan cheeks turned crimson. She grabbed her bag and ran downstairs.

As she rushed to the door, her mother popped her head out of the kitchen and looked at her disapprovingly. “You have a boyfriend? And you are spending the night at his house?”

“Nope! No boyfriend. Not even a boy. Same friend I’m always going out with, Ma.”

Her mother gave a grunt of assent, but glared at Avani suspiciously. Avani slid past the kitchen guiltily (how did her mother always make her feel guilty for going out? She was twenty four years old!), and nodded to the driver, who was standing in the doorway in his well starched suit, looking politely disinterested in the goings on in the house. Avani stopped and bopped Carina on the back of the head.

“Thanks for that!” she said. “Now mom thinks I have a boyfriend!”

Carina looked taken aback, and a little disappointed. “Sam’s not your boyfriend?”

Vani’s blush deepened. “ _No,_ ” she insisted.

“But he’s your _friend,_ ” she said, drawing out the word, “who’s a _boy, right_?”

“Nope.”

Carina gaped. “But his name is Sam!”

Vani shook her head. “They’re not a boy. Don’t give mom too much grief tonight, alright?” she added, heading out the door behind the driver. He opened the car door for her. She smiled awkwardly and climbed in. This never stopped feeling awkward, no matter how many times Sam sent someone to pick her up. Avani had never been able to successfully explain to them why it felt so awkward, so they kept doing it anyway.

Half an hour and several parts of town later, the driver pulled up in front of Sam’s apartment complex. It was, as apartment complexes go, enormous and fancy beyond belief. She climbed out of the car and thanked the driver once again. She believed in being polite to people who do services for you. As she walked past the fountain, the doorman opened the door and bowed to her. “Thanks Andy,” she said, nodding. She walked up to the desk, and stood in front of the concierge. He didn’t look up. Finally, she spoke. “Um, excuse me...”

  
Eventually the concierge looked up at her. “Ah yes, Miss Kata,” the man’s smile was more of a sneer. “Miss Penn is expecting you. You can head right up,” he added, sounding reluctant. As she turned towards Sam’s private elevator, she caught his eyes lingering on her pedestrian clothes and worn out bookbag. She stood in front of the elevator, but it didn’t open. She knew he had to press the button from his desk. She stood there for a few moments, then opened her mouth to speak again.

  
“Oh, I’m so sorry ma’am,” he pressed the button and the doors slid open. “Have a good evening.” He didn’t sound like he meant it. Avani scowled as the elevator doors slid shut between them. That man was awful. Very rude, and it always bothered her when people didn’t use Sam’s preferred pronouns. She got the distinct impression that the man was reporting Sam’s every move to Mr. Penn, and was keenly aware that she was not the sort of high society he thought his dear Samantha _ought_ to be socializing with.

  
Fifteen floors later, Avani stepped out of the private elevator into Sam’s entryway.

They poked their head around the corner. “Hey, Vani! Come on in, I’m still ordering the Thai food.” Avani smiled and walked into the living room. She plopped down on the couch, leaving her bag on the floor and putting her feet up on the coffee table. No matter how high-falootin all the trappings of Sam’s life were, Sam was always just Sam. A little spoiled and stuck up, but still a person. Avani always felt that getting up to the apartment was like some sort of test, and Sam’s calm and solid presence was her reward. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, listening to the sound of Sam’s voice drifting in from the kitchen.

“Hey!” they called. “Extra rice?”

“Yeah!” Avani called back, smiling. Maybe this could be an alright evening. Nothing magical had happened for hours, not since she had accidentally squeezed the toothpaste magically that morning, squirting it all over the bathroom mirror. She cringed. Yeah, as long as she could avoid any more magical mishaps she could relax and enjoy the evening. Any minute Sam would be done ordering the food, and they’d come sit next to her. Avani smiled wider, closing her eyes and letting herself sink into the fluffy cushions. Sam probably smelled like that ridiculous berry shampoo. And they would bicker with her about what movie they should watch, and they’d have popcorn. And during the movie Sam would run their fingers through Avani’s hair, or put her hand on her knee, and then-         

Avani was jolted out of her reverie as Sam walked into the room, placing a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table by Avani’s feet. She blushed fiercely. Why did she keep thinking things like that? Sam was her friend, she didn’t want to ruin that.

  
Being lovestruck for a friend is a sure way to kill the friendship, she told herself. So stop it. Besides, if she started dating Sam she’d probably have to come out to her mother at some point- no. Avani gritted her teeth and tried to think platonic thoughts as Sam knelt in front of the tv, trying to find the remote.  
Eventually, rear in the air, they let out a triumphant “Aha!” They scooted out from beneath the tv set and came over to the couch. Avani dropped her feet down from the coffee table to allow Sam access to their usual spot on the cushion opposite her, but to her surprise, Sam sat on the cushion right next to her. Avani smiled a small, satisfied smile despite herself and took a mouthful of popcorn.

  
“So,” Sam said, “I’ve had the biggest craving for Bend It Like Beckham. I’ve never seen it, but I hear it’s a great football flick. You with me?”

  
Avani nearly choked on her popcorn. Apparently Sam didn’t know much about that one. The roiling chemistry between Parminder Nagra and Keira Knightley was the _last_ thing she needed in her current state. Of course she couldn’t tell Sam that.

  
“Um, no. I don’t think I want a sports movie tonight.”

  
“Oh come on, please?” Sam’s eyes went puppy-dog wide, but Avani stood her ground.

  
“No,” she said.

  
“Fine,” Sam said, “Disney movies. What’s one I haven’t seen in forever… Ah! The Sword In the Stone. I loved that one as a kid.”

  
Avani flinched. That was _not_ an option. Maybe it was the idea of watching something about magic, but the whole idea made her shudder, and frankly made her a bit queasy. “No,” she said again. “Definitely no. Why don’t we just fall back on classics? Galaxy Quest or something?”

  
Sam crinkled up their nose. “Scifi again?”

  
“Oh please, you love it.” Avani yanked the remote out of Sam’s hand and queued it up.

  
Sam made grumbling noises and settled their arm around Avani’s shoulders. “Fine, but I pick next time, you dolt.” As the theme music began to play, they leaned forward to grab popcorn from the bowl in Avani’s lap. Avani caught a whiff of berry shampoo.

  
She settled in comfortably against Sam’s side and let the movie unfold. The film was old and comfortable. She let herself become absorbed. Several minutes in, she realized that Sam was rubbing her shoulder idly. It felt good. While Sam was frequently physically affectionate, they had never been quite this close for the duration of a movie. For a brief moment, Avani let herself hope that Sam wanted something different than merely friendship. This was, of course, ridiculous and she should just forget it. Still, the warmth of Sam’s hand felt wonderful, and she couldn’t help but imagine it elsewhere.

  
No sooner had this thought crossed her mind than Sam removed their arm. Avani barely had time to feel sad before Sam’s hand had moved to her knee. Avani smiled to herself and shifted ever so slightly closer to Sam. However, she found herself ill at ease. Could this be real? Avani’s eyes widened slightly as a thought occurred to her. What could her newfound abilities do? Sure it could float things and transform cold cuts to living creatures, but what if it could influence people as well?

  
This doubt wormed its way quickly into her heart and she began to panic, muscles tensing in her shoulders. Tonight was going really well. It was going too well. Sam’s hand was on her knee just as she had imagined. Next thing they’d be running their fingers through Avani’s hair. She tried to breathe and watch the movie, but minutes later Sam was playing with Avani’s long, loose hair, a small smile on their face.

  
Avani stood abruptly, nearly knocking over the popcorn.

  
Sam looked startled. “What’s wrong?” they asked.

  
She muttered something about the bathroom and fled the room. Once in the bathroom, she locked the door and stared into the mirror. She took deep breaths. She squeezed her eyes shut. “This isn’t happening,” she muttered under her breath. So far her, power, whatever, had been incredibly inconvenient, but this crossed a line. She couldn’t force someone to like her, or do anything with her, that was abuse and wrong on so many, many levels. She took several deep breaths and reached into her mind, probing for the presence she had felt the day before.

  
“Um, hello?” No response. “Is anyone there? I could really use some advice.” Unsure exactly why, she stared at the ceiling, as if the owner of the male voice would be hovering there. There was absolutely nothing. She was on her own this time. 

  
She splashed some cool water on her face and prepared to return to the living room. She’d just have to keep it under control. No more thoughts, no more mental nudging. It would be fine. 

  
When she returned to the living room, Sam had paused the movie and was looking at her with concern. 

  
“Are you alright?” they asked.

  
Avani nodded. “I’m fine. Just ate something off at lunch I guess.” She forced a laugh.

  
Sam nodded and pressed play on the movie as Avani sat down.  She didn’t sit so close to Sam, though it was hard to get far from them as they were sitting in the middle of the couch. As soon as she had settled down, Sam reached over and grabbed her hand. Expecting a quick comforting squeeze, she was surprised to see Sam wind their fingers into her own and leave them there.

  
Avani drew in a long, slow breath, staring at their hands. Finally she stood. “I-I have to go,” she stammered.

  
Sam looked stricken. “Shit, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-"

  
Avani cut them off, shaking her head. “No, no, it’s not you, I just, I remembered a thing I have, I’ve got to go.” She grabbed her bag from beside the couch and headed for the private elevator.

  
She left the room quickly, Sam following close on her heels. “Look, I didn’t mean to- I- please don’t go, this is ridiculous. At least let me call you a cab."  
Avani shook her head, not meeting Sam’s eyes as she strode down the hall. “I just can’t. You don’t understand what I almost-“ she reached the elevator and pressed the button, just as Sam grabbed her by the arm.

  
“Avani, please."

  
The elevator doors slid open with a chime. Avani stepped into the elevator and Sam let her arm slip from their grasp. Avani looked up and met their eyes. In the seconds before the door slid shut again, Avani tried to convey a lot with her eyes. _I’m sorry. I love you. Love me too. I’m sorry._ The confused and hurt expression on Sam’s face haunted her as the lift slid down past floor after floor.

   
_This. Is wrong._   


	4. Chapter 4

With Sam out of sight, Avani started to panic. What on earth had she just done? Worse, what had she almost done? As the elevator slid to a halt on the lobby level, Avani felt her breath begin to accelerate. She leaned back on the bar in the elevator, her knuckles clenched white around it. When the doors slid open again, she propelled herself forward. She gained momentum, dashing across the lobby and out the front doors. She saw the concierge stand up out of the corner of her eye, heard him say something, but she was out the door and halfway down the block before she’d even processed it. 

 

She ran down the street, her hair whipping behind her, the night breeze on her face. Any other night it might have been an exhilarating, wonderful feeling. Her feet pounded the pavement, her thoughts pulsing in time with them, a rapid fire repetition. _I almost, I can’t, I wanted, How could I, to Sam, dangerous, wrong, wrong, wrong, stop, stop, how do I make it stop._

She came shuddering to a halt at a bus stop. She looked up at the sign, bent over, clutching the post. Some part of her mind must have been thinking rationally, because she had gone just where she needed to for her first leg of the trip home. The bus would be there in five minutes, said the sign. An eternity.

 

Just then she felt her pocket buzz. She pulled out her phone, saw a message from Sam. 

 

_I’m sorry,_ it said.

 

_Please come back._

Avani shook her head, shoved her phone back in her pocket, and began pacing. She wouldn’t go back, couldn’t, until she figured out how to get whatever was happening to her under control. As inconvenient and troublesome as her magical mishaps had been so far, they had ultimately affected no one but her, and had been relatively harmless. This was something else entirely. Avani supposed that the power had been responding to what she wanted, what she had really been craving for so long. But it had failed to consult her sense of morality. No matter what she wanted from Sam, what she hoped to have with them, the idea that she had been somehow using her newfound power to coerce Sam into action was horrifying. What if she hadn’t realized sooner? What would have happened?

 

Avani’s thoughts raced into overdrive, imagining sickening scenarios. Her pocket buzzed. She walked faster, back and forth, a tingling rising on her flesh like static charge from the friction of her anxious pacing. She had to get a grip on whatever was happening, had to make it stop. Because if she didn’t- 

 

_No._ Avani stopped, slammed her hand against the glass of the bus-stop awning.

 

The glass shattered, sending Avani leaping backwards with a curse. The glass had been so thoroughly obliterated that what remained could better be called dust and rubble than shards, and her hand seemed to vibrate with energy. Avani took several measured steps away, bringing in deep, slow breaths. She nearly stepped into the road, and heard a honk as a bus slid up behind her, coming to a halt with a hiss of air. 

 

She mumbled an apology to the bus driver as she tapped her pass on the reader, and found a seat in the far back, as many seats from any other passengers as possible. She could feel the power fizzling under her skin, bubbling angrily in tune with her anxiety. Throughout the ride home, she pushed against that power. She shoved it down inside herself, rejected it, silenced it, bottled it up. Each time she felt it surge, she lashed against it and each time a thought that was not hers began to cross her mind, she drowned it in a mantra of _not again, not again, not again._

By the time she reached her house, she felt like a can of soda vigorously shaken, its top barely holding in the force of what bubbled inside. She made a beeline for her bedroom. Halfway down the hall, her mother stepped out of her bedroom. 

 

“Avani, darling,” she said, somewhat surprised. “I thought you would be gone tonight.” Her eyes were warm and concerned. Avani stood rooted to the spot, unable to meet them.

 

“Change of plans,” she said. Her mother frowned, and the concern and love in them was so apparent that it made Avani feel sick. She looked down at the floor, clenching her fists. The carpet, she saw, was standing on end around her feet. She began walking forward again, making to pass her mother. 

 

“Did something happen?” 

 

Avani didn’t respond. 

 

“Was it your boyfriend? Did you have a fight?"

 

Avani gritted her teeth. Just as she reached her own room, her mother continued.

 

“I will call him. Give me his number."

 

“Mom-"

 

“No one should treat my daughter so. I will have words with him."

 

“Mom, just-"

 

“Yes,” she continued, confidence in her voice now. “I will call this boy. I will tell him my daughter has done nothing, and that if he lays a hand on her-"

 

“Mother!” The word came in a shout, startling her mother into silence.  “You have no idea! You don’t know anything, you can’t just-“ Avani felt a bubbling, surging feeling in her chest. She let out a frustrated cry, afraid now of what might happen if she continued to stand there." Just, leave me alone!” She slammed the bedroom door, dropped her bag in the corner, and dropped heavily onto the bed, where she curled into a tight ball.

 

Avani was fully aware just how childishly she had just acted, but the anxiety, guilt, and fear were overwhelming. Her pocket buzzed again, for what seemed like the 100th time that night. She wrenched it from her pocket, frustrated, and shut it off, shoving it under the bed. She lay down on the covers, and began to cry. She lay awake a long time, her mind racing, before exhaustion took her, and she slipped into sleep. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

She dreamed that night, but when she woke the next day, she couldn’t have said what the dreams were about. All she knew with confidence was that they had been sad, and angry, and this was hardly surprising.

 

She kept herself shuttered away in her bedroom, missing her first class. All day long the shaken-soda feeling remained, pushing at the surface of her being. She found that she gave off sparks when she touched things, like she’d been dragging her feet on carpet. When evening came, she finally admitted that she couldn’t miss her next class, not if she wanted a good chance of passing the final. She needed to leave the apartment.

 

She dressed in her slumpiest “don’t look at me” outfit, usually reserved for the days she was on her period, and made her way to school while staying as isolated as is possible in public. Her phone continued to buzz in her pocket occasionally, making her wince, though she had long since stopped looking at Sam’s messages. 

 

As the professor droned on about business theory, Avani trained her attention on her every word, pushing down and away all other thoughts; thoughts of magic, of the future, of Sam. She took copious notes. She focused on the precise meaning of what she was hearing.

 

Unfortunately, this strategy proved only partially successful. She could feel the power building up inside her. Eventually, feeling she was about to burst, Avani quietly abandoned her seat at the back of the class, fleeing to the nearest restroom. 

 

She slid down the hallway, the blank walls providing sharp contrast to her turning emotions. Once in the bathroom, she splashed water on her face then stood, hands on the counter, taking deep breaths. She stared at her reflection, thinking hard. She could tell that she had to do something; she would explode if she didn’t. Glancing around the room, she finally settled on the tap. Turning the water on to cold, she touched the flow lightly with her fingertips. With a breath, she let the power she felt inside loose, spilling it out into the water. 

 

A small smile crept onto her face as she felt the water warm, and saw it begin to steam as it splashed in the basin. She relaxed, and in that moment the remaining two taps in the room turned on with a rush, and the room began to fill quickly with steam. She yelped, pulling her scalding fingertips away from the water, scrambling into action. She ran to each sink in turn, cranking the taps closed, even as she began to push down on her power again. 

 

With that done, she stood in the center of the room, her fingertips in her mouth. _Well,_ she thought, _that didn’t quite go as planned._ Still, she felt lighter. She could still feel something, but it was lesser. She had lessened the pressure. _I can do this,_ she thought. _As long as I have somewhere private like this to turn to every once in a while, I’ll just keep letting it out at intervals. Then nothing needs to happen._

As Avani straightened her hair and prepared to leave again, a voice that was not her own told her, _this will never work._ Firmly ignoring it, Avani returned to the classroom.

 

Several minutes later, Avani’s attention began to wander. Glancing around the room, she noticed that she was fairly isolated. Obviously, that had been her intention, in sitting at the back of the class. Still, there seemed to be a circle of empty seats around her, so regular that she couldn’t quite believe it was coincidence. Her breath quickened. Had she done this? Had she somehow influenced her classmates? Was that _ethical?_ Was she acting on them like she had acted on Sam?

 

Sam. Avani tried hard not to think about them, but her mind wouldn’t allow it. She thought of their hands in her hair, of how good it felt, and of what it could mean. Her pocket buzzed, a constant, unneeded reminder of the night before. She clutched the phone in her hand so hard her knuckles turned white, praying it wouldn’t buzz again, but it didn’t stop. A phone call, rather than a text, and Avani’s heart quickened with every vibration, her muscles tensing. When it finally ended, she stared at it in her hand, at the missed call icon, and prayed it would stay quiet. She began counting quietly in her head to calm herself down. Before she reached 10, the phone began again. 

 

Unable to bear it, Avani chucked the phone into her bag with a shout. She felt something leave her in a rush, and her cry was muffled by the sound of a dozen chairs and desks grinding across the floor, all pushed away from her as from a small explosion. 

 

The professor fell silent. Heads turned. Avani turned bright red, grabbed her bag, and fled the room.

 

She ran all the way home, completely unaware of her surroundings. Once home, she stormed upstairs, glad no one was home to witness her outburst. She tossed her bag on the ground and curled up on the bed, shaking, her chest heaving and her hands on her head. 

 

She pushed harder at her power than she ever had, until, several minutes later, her rubbish bin fell over with a clatter, crumpled paper and tissues flying around the room in haphazard, irregular spirals and turns. She squeezed her eyes shut, redoubling her efforts. One by one, books began flying off her shelves, landing on the floor with a thump, or smacking against the far wall. She sat up on the bed, pushing her back against the wall, her eyes flitting desperately around the room until they alighted on her phone. 

 

The phone had slid out of her bag and lay on the floor, face up, announcing in bright and cheery font that she had a voicemail from Sam. Avani stared at it for a moment, then snatched up the phone and pressed play. She held it to her ear, hearing nothing at first. A few anxious breaths, and then Sam’s kind voice spoke in her ear.

 

“Vani,” they said. “Listen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about the other night. I really didn’t mean to - look. I think I crossed a line, and making you uncomfortable is the last thing I wanted to do."

 

As she listened to Sam’s voice, Avani’s breath eased. Her chest loosened, and the books and papers flying around her room slowed. Avani felt herself calm. Her breath slowed, and the room around her slowed as well. 

 

Sam took a deep breath. “So here’s my proposal. Let’s forget it. There’s a street faire downtown tomorrow, and I think we should go. We’ll watch the fire breathers, eat massively sugary food, chat about anything under the sun. Think of it as my apology. It’ll be just like it’s been before. I promise I won’t…” A sigh. “Please come? I-“ for several seconds the message fell silent. “I hope you’ll come."

 

The message ended, and Avani put down her phone. She lay silently on the bed, taking deep breaths. Somehow, even in all this, hearing Sam’s voice was calming, full of reassurance and affection. The content of the message barely even registered. Avani's muscles began to relax, and the swirling vortex of books began to spiral slowly to the floor. The content of the message, though, that was also important. Sam wanted to forget it. Avani felt relief at that, even if she knew it couldn’t change anything. She couldn’t be with Sam until she knew she wouldn’t make anything actually happen.  

 

Now that she was calmer, she played the message again, this time focusing on Sam’s words more carefully. Where the message had soothed Avani before, this second time through had the opposite effect. She listened to Sam’s words. _I’m sorry,_ she said _. I crossed a line. I promise I won't._

 

Where the room had spun wildly before, Avani’s surroundings now became unnaturally still as a hot leaden ball of horror settled into her stomach. _Sam thought it was their fault._ Somehow, that was worse than everything before it.

 

Avani gritted her teeth, and made a decision. She would go to the faire, and apologize to Sam. She would convince them it was her fault and not theirs. She wouldn’t stay long. Being in so public a place would be a challenge, but then again maybe the chaos of such an event would provide adequate cover for any mishaps.

 

She typed a message to Sam. 

 

_I’ll see you at the corner of 12th and Main at 11._

Her thumb hovered over the send button. Finally, she tapped it, letting out her breath in a rush. She looked up from her phone to survey the damage to her room. Books lay scattered on every surface, rubbish was strewn everywhere. One figurine from her desk, a small knight in armor still floated three feet above the floor in the middle of the room. She sighed and stood. Time to clean up.


	6. Chapter 6

Avani stood on the corner, shivering a little. When Sam walked up, they gave an awkward wave, betraying their eagerness to see her again. They approached, and Avani forced a smile onto her face. Sam was in a large red hoodie, one Avani had borrowed several times. For a moment, they both stood there. Avani shuffled her feet. 

 

Finally, Sam opened her arms in an invitation, and Avani stepped forward into the hug, relishing guiltily in Sam’s warmth. 

 

“I’m sorry,” they said, both at exactly the same time. Stepping back, Sam began to speak, but Avani cut them off.

 

“No,” she said, “you don’t have anything to be sorry about. It’s me I-“ Avani paused in sudden horror, looking into Sam’s questioning eyes. _How_ on earth could she apologize? To make Sam really understand what she meant, she’d have to really explain what happened, what was happening to Avani, and there was no way she could do that. She’d sound completely insane, she’d drive Sam away. Avani had come to the faire to make excuses and establish new boundaries and distance, but as she considered the possibility of never seeing Sam again, she knew it was the last thing she wanted. What she wanted more than anything just then, leaving aside her fears, was to spend a few hours with her best friend.

 

She spoke up. “Forget it."

 

Sam frowned. “Are you sure?"

 

Avani, anything but sure, nodded. “Definitely. Let’s browse the hats.” And with that, she started off down the row of tents and booths. Sam stood dazed for a moment, then followed after.

 

They wandered idly from booth to booth in a silence hovering uneasily between awkward and content. Eventually, and inevitably, Sam struck up a conversation with a random stranger, which quickly grew intense. Knowing she wouldn’t be able to grab her friend’s attention again any time soon, Avani continued slowly down the row.

 

* * *

 

 

Avani gave the fortune teller her hands, feeling vaguely uncomfortable. How she had managed to end up doing this she’d never know. The woman had just sort of latched onto her and hadn’t shut up until she agreed to a reading. _“For you, half price,” she’d said, her ridiculous beads clacking in her hair and the light breeze rustling the red curtains surrounding her little tent, lodged between the elephant ear stand and one of the dozens of craft booths._  


 

The woman ran her fingers gently along the lines of Vani’s palm. It tickled, and she had to try hard not to twitch. The old woman made various oohs, ahs, and hmms. “There is much ahead of you,” she said, “and much behind.” 

 

Avani rolled her eyes. 

 

“You seek love, and control over unknown forces.” Avani huffed. The old woman looked up, and Avani withdrew her hands.

 

“Look, I’m sorry, this just isn’t my thing. I can’t take it seriously. I’m sorry. I tried.” Avani made to push her chair back, but stopped as the woman’s green eyes met hers.

 

She looked hard at Avani, seeming to look simultaneously into and past her. Avani waited for the hard sell to come back, but to her surprise, instead of being offended, the old woman abruptly sat back and laughed.

 

“Of course you can’t, it’s all frankly ludicrous.” The woman’s voice had changed, becoming casual, authentic.

 

“Wait, you’re not really a gypsy?”  

 

The woman winced slightly. “I am really one of the Romani, as we prefer to be called. I’m just not the caricature I put on for the tourists. I put on the act because it’s what people expect, it’s what draws in the customers. But please,” she said, "don’t run off yet. There really is much I can tell you.”

 

Avani shook her head and started to stand.

 

“I can help you find him. I can tell you of Merlin, and of Arthur.” Avani froze and stared at the fortune teller. She lowered herself slowly back into her seat. How did this woman know what she’d been dreaming about? She’d never believed in psychics. Then again, she thought, she’d recently developed telekinesis, so really she ought to be a bit more open minded.

 

“How do you—“ she began, only to have the woman cut her off with a wave of her hand.

 

“I have a small gift,” she said, "Some do, all over the world. Just a little power, here and there. But the energies are pouring off you in waves, dear. I’ve advised on cases of reincarnation before, but never anyone with a past – or a future – so powerful.” She studied Avani carefully. “When did your past first begin to make itself known?”  

 

Avani considered the woman. Her eyes were kind, and the question was presented with utter frankness. After a moment, something broke inside Avani, and words came pouring out.  “Just a couple weeks ago. I picked up a book on Arthurian mythology and it all just started flooding in. It’s like- it’s like he leapt out of that book into my head, and now he won’t get out.”

 

The woman chuckled. “Well, he won’t do that, no.”

 

Vani’s shoulders slumped a bit. “He won’t? There’s no way to get rid of him? Look, I have enough trouble knowing who _I_ am without some ancient wizard in my head. Besides. Merlin? Really?”

 

“That’s just it though,” the woman said, a fond smile on her face, “there is no stranger in your head. He is you, and you are him.”

 

“Ok, reincarnation, ok, but, Merlin? Magic?”

 

“The woman looked intently at Vani, seeming to look through her for a time. “Merlin grappled with magic no one else understood. He was loyal to his loved ones and sought to bring positive change in his time. Can you not relate to that?”

 

Avani quieted somewhat, thinking. “Well yes, alright. At least, I can see how that might be true, but how do I make this stop?”

 

“Make what stop, dear? You have discovered who you are. There is nothing to stop.”

 

“You don’t understand. Every moment of my life now is about this. It’s like he won’t shut up. He doesn’t say much, but I feel his grief, and, something else _._ I feel his power aching to be used, but I don’t know what any of it means! It’s actually interfering with my life! I can’t spend five minutes on one thing without thinking about it. It’s like he’s in my head and won’t stop pulling on me. The worst though, is…” Avani paused, feeling Sam’s fingers in hers. “It’s nearly made me do something- bad. What do I do to make that stop?”

 

The woman shook her head. “I’m afraid I can’t tell you that. I don’t see that much. I would recommend, though, that you stop fighting so hard. Maybe you’ll find that if you stop fighting this part of yourself, you may settle into it. You have to trust yourself, both past and present. It sounds to me like you’re being called to something in particular. If you had to guess, tell me what that is. What does it feel like your past self is trying to tell you?”

 

Avani thought on the dreams and feelings she had had over the last couple of weeks. “He needs his power back. I can feel that hole. It faded over time, and there’s this…” she frowned, searching for the words, “urgency, now. Something’s coming, I think, and he needs to face it, but he can’t.” 

 

“ _You_ need to face it,” the woman reminded her, gently. “You cannot keep pretending this is separate from you.”

 

“But how can I?” Avani asked, fear in her voice. “I’m not really him. If I am, I’m just a shadow of him. I don’t have his power. I don’t think he has had that power since the first him, not really. He lost it, he…” she looked up and met the fortune teller’s green eyes with her own dark ones. “I’ve had these dreams about our past selves, the us between me and him, and he’s always so lost. He hardly seems like a legendary figure. It’s... like something died and he can’t get at his power without it. I mean, some of his power is still around, um.” Avani hesitated, thus far she had stopped just short of mentioning her newfound abilities. “I can… um…”

 

The woman smiled kindly. “I know dear, it’s fine.”

 

“What? You do?”

 

“The aura of one with magic is very distinctive, though yours is the strongest I've seen. I’m guessing that, at two weeks, you’ve got some minor telekinesis? The woman’s voice was so matter of fact that it quite startled Avani.

 

“Well, yes. There’s also- but - Wow. Um, you’re good.” The woman gave an acknowledging smile and a small bow of her head.

 

“So I can do… that…” Avani continued, "but I get the distinct impression that there was more. In the past. I mean, you don’t become the most famous wizard of all time for moving some things across a room, or magicking a broom to clean on it’s own. Not that I _actually_ tried that.”

 

“So what changed? What changed to make you so lost? What did Merlin lose?”

 

“I lost Arthur.” The words came out of Avani’s mouth so swiftly she nearly jumped. She clapped her hand to her mouth in surprise, eyes wide, but as soon as she’d said it she knew it was true.

 

“And there you have it.” The woman leaned back in her chair. "One is never the same after losing a loved one.”

 

“I think,” Avani shook her head. “It seems insane, but when I think about King Arthur, I feel such intense loss and longing. I think he and Merlin, I mean, I think they were… more.” She blushed, but the woman did not react. “At least,” she continued, “I think he wanted them to be.”

 

“I see.” The woman’s voice was soft and kind. “You lost your love, and so you lost your way. But there is hope. I told you there is energy rolling off you in waves, and while some of it is sad, true, I can see it reaching out. I think something is different for you this time. There is something different about you, or perhaps the world around you. You need only discern what, and I think you’ll succeed.”

 

Avani sighed. “How the hell am I going to find what’s different? Why is this so complicated?” 

 

“Well, I’d recommend you ask him, if you can feel his presence like you say."

    

 “I’ve tried! Every time I try to pay direct attention to him, he slips away. It’s _really_ annoying,” she added, directing a mental kick towards the presence.

    

The woman nodded thoughtfully. “I’d recommend meditation. If you clear your mind, it may allow you to connect better with that part of yourself.” 

 

Avani opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted when Sam poked their head into the tent, a half eaten churro in their hand. “There you are!” they cried. “I thought I heard your indignant tones. Who are you arguing with this time, and why have you kept me waiting? Hello!” They waved at the fortune teller, flinging sugar off their churro as they did so.

 

Avani felt a small rush of warmth at Sam’s arrival, quickly overcome by cold panic. “Hey!” she cried, jumping out of her chair. Unsure what action was called for, she ended up standing awkwardly in front of Sam. “Just… um… having my fortune told.”

 

Sam smirked. “And disagreeing with it?”

 

Avani blushed. “Yeah, um, something like that. I really wanna finish this up though.”

 

“Cool.” Sam sat down in the second chair and leaned back, munching on their churro.

 

Avani blinked at them pointedly for a few seconds. When there was no immediate response, she said, “Um, I was actually hoping, alone.”

 

“Oh! Right.” Sam gave a “sorry, duh” sort of expression and stood again. "Meet you by the fire breathers?” Avani nodded and Sam ducked back out of the tent, disappearing from sight.

 

Avani sat back down. “That’s Sam. We only separated ‘cus they got into this intense discussion with the churro guy. They’re always doing that, talking to people and connecting really well. They...” Avani trailed off, catching the fortune teller’s eye. She was smiling with eyebrows raised. Avani could guess what she was thinking. She grimaced, closing her eyes.

 

“They’re part of why I need this to stop,” she said. “I hurt them, and they deserve better.”

 

“My dear child,” the woman said, her voice kind, sad, and a little amused. “You may as well run along and catch your friend at the fire breathers. There is not much more I can tell you. No, don’t protest, trust me. You are capable of tackling all that comes at you, and you are not as alone as you think. All I will tell you, is that you will find your strength where your heart is.”

     

Avani frowned, her forehead wrinkling. Important advice, part of her said, was always so damn cryptic. “What does that mean?” she asked, but the woman was already standing up. She held the flaps of the tent open, gesturing outside.

 

 “I only speak the truths I see. Goodbye and good luck, my dear, ancient child.”

 

Avani stepped outside, the bright sun dazzling. “But-“

 

“You’ll be great,” the woman repeated. "Now go!”

 

Avani took a few steps and turned. “I still don’t-“ 

 

The woman was already enticing in a new customer, her fakey accent back in place. She gave Avani a wink as she disappeared behind the folds of red cloth.

 

Avani frowned after the woman a moment, then caught a glimpse of Sam’s red hoodie in the crowd. She dashed after her friend. She pulled up along side them, stealing the last of their churro. 

 

“Hey!” Sam said, protesting, but doing nothing about it.

 

Avani didn’t respond, hiding behind her mouthful of churro.

 

Sam looked at her. “So what was that about?”

 

Avani swallowed. “Just getting some advice. Figuring some stuff out, I guess.”

 

Sam reached over and brushed some churro sugar off Avani’s cheek. Avani burned at Sam’s touch.

 

“Didn’t think fortune telling was very you, is all.”

 

“That’s the thing,” Avani said. “ _Me_ is a very big and confusing concept right now.”

 

Sam’s brow furrowed. “Well I have had my fair share of identity freaking. You wanna talk about it?”

 

Avani forced a small smile. “Not really.”

 

“No prob. Fire breathers?”

    

Avani nodded. “Fire breathers.”

 

As they walked, Avani watched Sam slip into the comfortable space they had shared for so long, and wished she could join them. But that space had been cut off from Avani, for as long as she couldn’t control herself. She could never feel comfortable so long as she feared, every moment, that she would do something to Sam, that Sam would see the things she had become. The rest of their time at the fair passed in a haze, Avani thinking of nothing so much as that night, when she would attempt to contact Merlin, and sort all this out. It didn’t occur to her until much later that, while she’d been at the fair with Sam, the magic had not boiled over once.


	7. Chapter 7

Avani sat cross-legged on her bed amidst a mountain of pillows, painstakingly arranged for optimal comfort. She had waited until everyone else was asleep, the only way she could ensure she wouldn’t be interrupted.

Settling into her cushions, Avani let her tangle of emotions wash over her. The razor-wire tension of dozens of magical mishaps. The sickening twang in her heart when Sam took her hand. The rush of tingling excitement that accompanied it. The infuriating corner-of-her-eye, nape-of-her-neck feeling that there was more to her than her. Tentatively, she reached out in her mind for the presence she had felt before. It slipped away, remaining, as always, just beyond her grasp. Avani stopped trying, letting all these feelings and more pass over her like a wave. She focused on her breathe.

_In. Out._

_In._

_Out._

Next, she turned her attention to her muscles. One by one, she tensed them, then relaxed them. From her head to her torso, and out through her limbs. She felt a calm settle into her, and her mind clear.

As the buzz of thought and anxiety slipped away, it became clear that Avani was not completely alone. She tried to turn her attention towards the presence she felt, but found that it moved with her, as if it were a part of her. She turned her efforts further inward. As she breathed, she focused on accepting the presence, allowing it space.

* * *

 

 Avani never knew if she had fallen asleep, or merely entered a trance-like state. Either way, when she next opened her eyes, a young man sat cross-legged on the end of her bed, looking at her with a calm, sad, smile.

 Under normal circumstances, finding a strange man in her bedroom would have lead to undignified shrieking, and an assault with whatever objects Avani had to hand. But Avani felt no threat. She met the man’s gaze steadily, and for several long minutes, they regarded each other in silence.

 “Hello,” she said, finally.

 The man nodded. “Hello.” He was dressed in plain cotton clothing, with a simple mop of black hair.

 “You’re the one who’s been speaking to me?” she said.

He nodded. 

Avani scrutinized the man, who continued to sit calmly on the end of her bed. She asked her next question even though she knew the answer. “Who are you?” 

“I was called Merlin.” 

Avani almost laughed. This was ridiculous. “Is it because of you that all of this is happening?”

He shrugged. “I suppose you could put it like that.”

“You wouldn’t?”

The man thought for a long moment.  “It is because of me, because I was one of the first. But it’s because of you too. You have likely realized by now that we cannot really be separated,” he said.

“Are you one of my past lives, then?” she said.

“Does that frighten you?”

Avani hesitated. “Not in itself,” she said. “I am Hindu, after all.”

He nodded. “We have not been so open to the idea every time. You have an advantage, there. Likely one of the many reasons that you are so different.” He peered at her inquiringly. “So what does frighten you?”

Avani began to speak, but found she couldn’t. “The-“ She tried again. Her gaze fell to her hands. The edge of a pillow dug into her thigh.“It’s the-“ She scowled, but the man finished for her.

“The magic?” he said.

She looked up at him sharply. A vague mist seemed to be filling the room, from where Avani couldn’t tell. “Is that what it is?”

He nodded, and his smile grew. “It’s finally back.” Avani raised her eyebrows.

“It’s been gone for years,” he continued. “I’ve lost count of the lifetimes that passed without it. No one since me, since I lost Arthur. But you’ve found it again. You’ve made the connection, and there’s no going back.”

This made Avani’s breath catch. The mist thickened, her left foot cramped. “What do you mean, there’s no going back?” she demanded.  “It has to! I can’t live like this!” Her back tensed. “You saw me the other night, you’ve been watching, it’s a disaster, it’s ruining everything. The things I- What I almost-“ Avani cut off, unable to say it aloud. The mist thickened, blurring her surroundings, lengthening the distance between her and the man.

Avani began to panic. She leaned forward, desparate to keep him from disappearing. “You have to help me!”

Merlin looked at her sadly. “You don’t need my help,” he said. Avani felt like screaming. “You already have everything you need. You’ve done nothing wrong. When I lost my connection to Arthur, I lost control of my power, and eventually lost the magic entirely. You have to go back to Arthur.”

“How?” she asked, her voice rising. "Where did he die? I don’t understand!”

Merlin’s answer came in a sudden burst of images and emotions. She saw an island, and a tomb, and years of decay. The impression seemed to come against Merlin’s will, in a rush of grief. He waved his hand as if to brush it away, and the grief was replaced by a bright spike of hope. A rushing sound grew in Avani’s ears, her blood beating a fast pace through her veins, rushed along by her panic. The mist had grown so thick now that she could barely see the man in front of her, and she nearly missed Merlin’s words as he spoke again.

“-not there,” he was saying. “You know-“

“What?” Avani demanded. “Know what?” But the man was slipping into intangibility. She lunged after him, overbalanced, and fell forward onto her hands. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths.

When her heart rate had slowed again, she sat up and looked around her room. The man, the mist, and her chance for answers, were gone. She felt instinctively that she would not be able to reach him in this way again, until she had gained more control. She sat on the bed, staring at the place he had been, her mind racing over all the things he had said. He had said remarkably little, truth be told, but there was one piece of information she clung to. The island, where he lost the ancient king, and lost control of the power.

When Avani tapped her phone, it’s too bright light read well past three in the morning. She crawled reluctantly into bed, sure she would not sleep. She had no idea how to reforge a connection with a centuries dead king, but she had an intense feeling that, should she go searching for it, she could find the place where Merlin had buried him. The intensity of his grief and longing had seared the image of that tomb onto her eyelids like a brand. She would find that island, and from there regain control of her life, her emotions. She tried to imagine what it would be like to spend time with Sam without watching her every move. Soon, sleep overtook her, as she clung to the desperate hope that comes from knowing what to do next, if not how.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I don't have much to say, excepting thanks to my beta, and a note that I am as white as white can be. I wanted Avani/Merlin to be Indian, but am well aware that I have little experience or knowledge in that arena. So, if I ever offend or mess something up, definitely tell me so I can fix it and do better in the future. My intention is to write real people.


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